Before you commence scarfing down hotdogs while watching your cousin nearly blow off his thumbs with illegal fireworks, take a moment to reflect on the reasons you are proud to be 'Merican. Here are just a few reasons why I am:
No, I am not proud that I shop at Wal-Mart. In fact, I always feel pangs of regret immediately upon entering this fluorescent twilight zone. Sure, sometimes things are slightly cheaper here but that usually means it will last about half as long if I had just bought it elsewhere. I'm convinced that people don't go to Wal-Mart because of the prices, they go there because of the zero-fucks-given environment. Don't feel like putting on pants but your cheez whiz can just ran dry? Go to Wal-Mart! Don't feel like brushing your hair but you need a new TV antenna so you can watch Judge Judy? Go to Wal-Mart! #zerofucksgiven
2. The Boss
Last weekend while in Austin, I was at a bar sipping on a brewski and a Bruce Springsteen song starts pumping on the speaker. After the song was finished, it started pumping out the SAME Bruce Springsteen song. After that, it played again and again. This song kept playing on repeat until we ended up leaving said bar an hour later. Sure it was cool that they were playing The Boss, but you know what was even cooler? No one on the patio seemed to notice. It's as if this sort of thing happens so frequently that it has become an ordinary part of everyone's life. #zerofucksgiven
Want to drive a monster truck with mud flaps and car nutz to your Megachurch? Freedom.
Want to eat a box of Hot Pockets for breakfast, a bowl of Cookie Crisp for lunch, Applebee's for dinner and Taco Bell for 4th-meal? Freedom.
Want to be famous so you star in a sex tape instead of working your way to the top? Freedom.
'Merica: Free to take away the freedom of others since 1776. Why? Because FREEDOM. #zerofucksgiven